I didn't want to continue without my baby in my life and I was spending a lot of time just in bed sleeping, then one day my sister Margaret came up to talk to me and before she left the room she said look I know you think you just can't go on but you have 2 other little boys down stairs who need you more than ever now, I started to feel very guilty for not even considering them in all this, they had lost their brother, through what my sister said brought me out of my bed and I started to be a mother to my other 2 boys again, I took my boys home and we where ok then one day when my 2 boys where in school out of the blue I just went backwards I couldn't see a future for us and I was missing my beautiful baby boy more than ever, I was in a black hole and without knowing what I was doing at this moment I took a knife into the bathroom and I slit my left arm from my wrist up to my inner elbow then I just sat on the side of the bath I don't know how long for, then suddenly I remembered I had to pick up my 2 boys I stood up opened the bathroom door with my right hand and reached for my lounge door with my left hand and suddenly seen what I had done at that moment I saw the insides of my arm where beginning to hang out, I was loosing a lot of blood and was feeling as though I was going to black out, and I realised I wanted to live, I needed to be here for my 2 boys, what would they do without me, I managed to get myself down the stairs to my neighbour below me she rushed me into her bathroom and called her husband who rang for an ambulance, my neighbour was trying to stop the bleeding and I was drifting in and out of conciousness, I remember telling her I had to get my boys from school and she said she would get my babysitter to get them, I was rushed to hospital where the inside of my arm was pushed back in and was stitched up in a 3 hour operation, I was released from the hospital the next day, my babysitter had picked up my 2 boys and took them to my Mum, I felt so ashamed of what I had done I swore I would never try to take my life again, my boys where only 4 and 6 and now I had to put all my life and energy into looking after them, and I told myself that one day I will see my baby boy again, but not just yet my other 2 boys needed me far more as my baby was in heaven with his Great Granddad sitting on his knee and playing and was happy my job now was to try to keep my other 2 boys happy.